madiwolf

Sat, 01 Oct 2005 06:10:21 GMT

I keep losing this damn thing.

So what's happened since I last wrote in here? I'm in school now. I like it. It's nice being able to take the classes that interest me and not worry about anything. Daddy said that he and Mama would pay for school, but the money Silver left me can cover it easily enough and then I don't have to worry about being beholden to anyone. I'm still taking a couple of science classes to make Daddy happy, but they're the ones I want to take.

For a little while, I thought everything was going to be okay with David, Meri and I. We were finally together all three of us with no walls between any of us. Or, maybe I thought there were no walls. Meri left us for Jared. I was so angry at her, at him. At me for not being better or different and finding a way to make her stay. I attacked Jared when I saw him. He and I have talked now and it still hurts, but I don't start crying when I see him or her. I still haven't talked to Meri yet. I don't know if I can. I miss her so much, but I think talking to her will just make me realize how much it's never going to be like I hoped.

When she left, I was terrified David was going to leave me too. With Meri, she could be the strong one and that David needed and I could be the quiet one. I don't have her strength and I don't know if I can be everything he needs. Maybe I can't. He's started seeing Lee. I found out he'd fed her and was trying to help her with the holes in her from losing Silver. She's so beautiful and so strong. How can he not want her? I know they're having sex. They were in the mansion the other day when I got home from a late class. I knew which room they were in and I could smell it. He says he love sme and wants to be my mate, butI keep thinking he's going to wake up and realize I'm not worth it when he has someone like Lee who wants him.

I love him so much, though. I'm not going to give up without a fight. I got myself in trouble with Keahi because I went and I challenged her over David. She could have wiped the floor with me, but I don't think she really cared what I said. That I was just an annoyance. She could kill me if she wanted, but being Keahi's Pomme gives me some protection.

In other things, the pack seem to be getting stronger. I think Daine and Nahele, our pups, will be ready for testing soon. Both of them are so determined to be perfect. They're getting kinda competitive with each other too. I've been helping Nahele as his Eranthe. It's easy to want to help him. He's fun and smart and so attractive. Scott is helping him too as kinda an Eros. I didn't want to get in the way, but Scott said we should both help.

I need to do something about the gallery that Silver left me. I know the person managing it is doing a good job, but there's space set aside for me that I need to use or let someone else use. Maybe I'll look at that this weekend. I want to spend time with David, though. If he's around. Justice is in town too and I'd like to spend some time with him. I want to hear all about his trip to the Amazon. And I have to give him the gift I made for him, Grace and Faith.

I guess I should go to bed. David might be home soon. It's getting close to dawn. I'll probably lose this for another month before I write again.

Accompanying this entry is a drawing of one of her school's art buildings, a sketch of David slightly frowning and looking seroius, and an obnoxious little cartoon sketch of Lee clutching a wolf and saying, "MINE!", showing a touch of pettiness and Madison's jealousy.

Thu, 25 Aug 2005 22:56:28 GMT

I should have never started a journal.

I know I never keep up with them. I’ll write a few times, then reread what I write and hate myself even more. I just sound so whiney. I don’t even know who I’m writing to. It shouldn’t matter what I sound like if it’s just me, but I always feel like I have to defend myself when I write in here.

This book has sat forgotten, gathering dust in my room while so much has been going on. Zane was made Ulfric. Decker and his pack stayed longer and longer. Michael left. Silver.. Silver died. Keahi became Master of the City and I was made his Pomme. Justice came, Justice left. That Chicago wolf tried to kill Grace and so many others before he died. Decker kidnapped Meri. I thought David had grown to hate me.

I feel so stupid sometimes.

I think Zane will be good for the pack. He made Jolene his Lupa, but she’s been busy with other things. I’ve never really gotten to know her. I’ve never really gotten to know him, but I get a good feeling from him. My wolf thinks he feels right.

Michael said goodbye. He had a look on his face when he learned I was living with David. I don’t think that’s what made him leave, but I could have been a better lover for him. He said he loved me and I said I loved him. But we drifted apart. Maybe it was because we were wolf and leopard. I don’t know, but I feel guilty. Like somehow it’s my fault.

I miss Silver. No one understands what caused him to die. Maybe it was a defect in his heart that didn’t heal with him becoming a wolf. Daddy said some people are just born that way, with weak hearts. It’s never seen until it’s too late. He reminded me of the boy in our town who died during his first college football game the year before I graduated high school. Maybe it was the same thing.

Either way, Silver is gone. He named me in his will, along with Grace and Merideth and two other ladies. One was Lieutenant Maclaine from RPIT and the other was the Nimir-Ra of the leopards. I knew he was involved with both, but it was still very weird. He left me a gallery. A whole gallery. And money. Lots of money. I don’t need any financial aid for school now.

And of course, even in death, Silver was obstinate and contrary. He asked for things that no wolf is supposed to ask for. He put conditions on his joining the munin and asked for strangers to be at the Lupanar. Zane ended up allowing some of it, but not all of it. I guess that’s fair. It’s the way Silver was handled when he was alive, after all.

When Silver died it made Lee weak so Keahi took over the city. I don’t really know any of the details of how or why it happened. I know that Lee made a public statement to the vampire court that she was letting Keahi take her city. He seems happy with being in charge, but he’s been more distant lately. I’ve been officially made his pomme, so I feed him several times a week, but it’s like something in him is.. different.

Grace’s baby brother Justice came to visit her and Faith. He’s like a year or two older than me. He’s also completely human. I really enjoyed talking with him and dancing with him. I don’t know why I let things happen between us, but we ended up fooling around in the laundry room at the mansion. I haven’t told anyone, though I’m sure some smelled him on me or me on him. I did prove to myself that I can be with a human and not hurt them, though. I think that’s important for an Eranthe. Justice left about a week later. He’s doing some sort of internship in the Amazon. He promised to send me pictures.

Almost two weeks ago now, that scary wolf from Chicago ended up trying to kill Grace. He also shot Mara, Kelsey and David. David, Zane, and this new wolf named Jackson all took that wolf out and I ended up having to try and heal Grace and the others. It was.. weird, but I ended up making it work enough that they were all okay. Even David who wouldn’t hold still for me.

While the shooting was going on, I didn’t even think about what I was doing. I just ran out into the street and pulled Faith to safety. She was the only one on the street who was human and I knew she was the most vulnerable. She ended up thanking me with flowers and chocolate. It was really good chocolate, but I felt weird accepting it from her for doing something that was so simple.

The day after the shooting, it turns out that Decker kidnapped Meri. I don’t know how it all happened, but he did it and got her back to Chicago. David got so .. violent and distant. I was worried sick about Meri, but part of me was so hurt that David wouldn’t let me comfort him but also wouldn’t offer me any comfort. I felt for sure that he had realized he didn’t love me and Merideth was the one he really wanted to be with, and I was just some annoying kid in his way.

David, Scott, that new wolf Jackson and a friend of Zane’s, Jared, ended up going to Chicago to rescue Meri. Zane got information from a wolf in Decker’s pack who didn’t want Meri as a lupa. I don’t know what deal Zane made, but he got the information on where she was. Jackson seems to think that Decker let them go, but eitherway, we’ve got Meri back and none of our guys were hurt.

Well, they were hurt and I had to heal them. Again, that was really embarrassing. Jackson got shot in the leg with a silver bullet, Scott got a chunk of his arm bitten out and David’s arms looked like they’d been shredded. David let me heal him and apologized for keeping me out. I felt so stupid then for thinking he didn’t care about me.

Now things are calming down. I still feel stupid, though. I wish I could still just be a normal wolf like most of the pack. I’m not strong enough to be an alpha like they want me to be. I have magic like an alpha wolf has, but not the personality. I’m like some stupid fluke.

School started this week too and I missed the first day because Merideth had just come home and I’d forgotten. Again, just a sign of stupidity. My professors have been okay with me saying it was a family emergency.

I want to talk with Meri and I want to talk with David. I miss them both even if I’ve been here the whole time. I don’t want to lose them but I don’t want to get in their way.

I don’t know why I keep a journal.

This journal is accompanied by some rough sketches along the edges. Nothing polished and all of them containing a sense of frustrated emotion.

Fri, 15 Jul 2005 03:34:26 GMT

They’re here. We met them with full formalities tonight. Well, there were only four of them and I only recognized two, maybe three of them. But it was enough. I know I smelled of fear and I could barely contain my quaking. Part of me wonders if my wolf was ashamed of me.

I did as Silver asked and I met Martin’s eyes when he looked at me. He addressed me. And he said he was sorry. He didn’t smell like he was lying, but I still felt like the rabbit in the middle of the open field with the wolves closing in. No matter how civil he is, I still see him from that night...

I remember the big black man from that night too. They said his name was Luke. He seemed so cold and passionless tonight, but I remember... I think I remember his howls from that night.

The woman in the yellow dress seemed familiar too. Phoebe. They said she is his Geri. The fourth I don’t remember.

How long is it before they go away? If I pray to the Munin, will they help make them go away without hurting any of my pack? If they hurt anyone, I don’t know what I’m going to do.

(NOTE: There is a sketch of each person she’s talking about from the Chicago pack, but each is seen through the eyes of her terror, making them seem more menacing and frightening than perhaps they really were.)

OOC: I have been lax in updating this journal, so tonight I added four entries. I backdated them so they fit where they should have gone, but for those who don't want to scroll back and find them, they can be found here: July 1st, July 10th, and July 12th.

Fri, 15 Jul 2005 03:11:07 GMT

Zane has Challenged me. He’s begun to make his move to become Ulfric of the pack and to do that he needs to have all the alphas in the pack submit to him. I don’t understand why they treat me as an alpha, but they say that I am, so he challenged me.

I know that it’s desperately important that we have an Ulfric, especially with the Chicago pack on our doorstep wanting who knows what. The logic in my head told me I should just submit. Zane seems like he would be good for us. But something made me hesitate. It made me hesitate and I caused a mess of things last night. Silver and David almost fought. They didn’t, but it was close.

Today, Zane took me aside to talk to me and make the challenge formal. I begged for one hour. One hour to try and figure out what was making me hesitate.

So I came here. To my studio in the new house. I doodled for a little while, thinking desperately of what to do. Finally, I made my decision. This is what I am going to tell him. I’ve even written it down so I sound properly formal when I say it:

"I, Madison Kiefer, hereby accept your Challenge, Zane Hein. To earn my submission, I ask that you prove one thing to me. Love.

This pack needs many things. Wisdom, strength, courage, integrity. But one I have not heard mentioned is almost as important as all the others. We speak of pack as family, but what is family without love? Without affection? Without compassion and caring?

When I am convinced that you can love this pack as his family, as your home, I will grant my submission. Of course, you can always take it from me because I am a weak alpha, if I am an alpha at all, but since you as asked me for a Challenge to gain my support and submission, this is what I give."

He’ll probably laugh at me and cuff me and make me submit that way. But this is what I feel I need to do.

(NOTE: No drawing accompanies this entry, other than some random doodling along the margins.)

Fri, 15 Jul 2005 03:01:30 GMT

Tomorrow. They’re coming. Tomorrow. Oh god.

I should have known this moment would come. From the moment Merideth and I realized the connection between us and Chicago, I should have known. Somehow I thought Chicago would stay where it was and while I might be afraid, it wouldn’t come to me.

Their faces had finally begun to fade from my nightmares. They’d become blurred and indistinct. But now, now they’ll become clear again. As sharp as ..

The worst part of all is that they’re coming as if nothing is wrong. As if they didn’t infect me through some horrible, twisted party. As if they didn’t tear Linda apart right in front of me. As if they didn’t kill Brandy.

Brandy, I’m so sorry I lost you in the woods. I was so afraid and so scared and they were chasing us and before I knew it you were gone and I couldn’t go back to find you. You were the best friend I ever had and I failed you. I miss you.

If they hurt any of the pack, it’ll be my fault. My fault that they came here. I’m the one that wanted to stop them.

(NOTE: The handwriting in this entry is shaky and uneven. There is one sketch that’s started, of a smiling girl with wild, punkish hair. But she scribbles out one end of the line, stopping it abruptly and violently.)

Fri, 15 Jul 2005 02:45:18 GMT

I thought I’d lost my journal again.

Even though I don’t have that much stuff, it got lost in one of the boxes of my stuff. It seemed like it was gone for good, but then I found it in that box of ‘modest’ clothes that Mama bought for me when we went out shopping together before she and Daddy left.

Mama and Daddy have gone back to Baltimore. We’ve made up some. Well, I know they love me, and I think they know I love them, I just know if I’ll ever be what they want. I gave them a family portrait I painted. I think Daddy finally saw that I really can paint. That was the last painting I did in the mansion studio. I have to get the new studio set up with all the supplies.

Oh yeah, I should probably explain. I moved in with David. Well, not like that, even if I kind of like to think of it a little like that. He was given one of the houses to rent up the street and he didn’t really want to be living alone, so he asked Merideth and me to move in with him. It’s a little weird since we’re both sleeping with him. But, I guess it’s no weirder than Silver sleeping with most everyone he meets.

At first when he asked, I thought I would say no. I really like him. I mean I *really* like him. But I also knew that Merideth’s feelings were pretty strong and I didn’t want to get in her way again. But she didn’t want to get in my way either. Somehow we sorta came to this agreement where, I guess, we’re sharing him. No one’s really talked about it at all, but that’s how it’s kind of working out.

I think I might be falling in love with David. I don’t want to get in the way of anything and I don’t want to hurt anyone. Michael is someone I care about, but he comes in and out of my life with the wind. I guess like someone would expect a cat to do. David is.. I don’t know. I shouldn’t let myself get too caught up in feeling like this. I have my duty to the pack as Eranthe and he and Merideth are good together.

I love her too, but it’s more like sisterly. Sisterly with a little extra. She’s not like that, though. Even if I was. Which I’m not, not really.

(OOC: A sketch of Deveau’s face graces one side of the page while Merideth is on the other. There’s also a little sketch of the house itself, right down to the porch swings on the porch.)

Wed, 22 Jun 2005 14:21:29 GMT

Alyssa and Nicolas are gone.

I’ve been saying this to myself since the news came to us on Monday. Alyssa and Nicolas are gone.

Their plane went down somewhere over the Atlantic. I guess there are some things even Lukoi are not immune to.

I never got a chance to say goodbye. They left for their trip suddenly and I didn’t know they were leaving until they were gone. And the last time I talked to them…

I hope they forgave me for all the trouble I brought down on the pack.

The first day, I cried for so long after I had heard. I had been fretting about Keahi and everything he said he would be going through, worrying that he may not come back to us or may come back to us changed beyond recognition. I didn't think things could get any worse. After I learned that things could get worse, I was sure I would cry myself to sleep that night, but Silver came and called all the alphas together. He made me go with them. I still do not feel like an alpha or think like an alpha, but they say my powers make me one, so I should take responsibility.

Jaime stepped down as Freki. He won’t desert the pack, but he can’t lead us through this. Silver stepped up to take his place and Scott stepped up to take Geri, which had been left vacant when Jade was deported. I felt I should step forward and do something to, so I offered to be Erato for the pack. They accepted me and said Stephano would serve as Eros.

I worry that I’ve gotten in too far over my head. What right do I have to step forward and offer to do this for the pack? I know nothing. The pack had neither of these positions and Jaime had to make time to help me in addition to being Freki. What if I do this wrong? What if I don’t help someone understand the danger and the need for control? What if someone gets hurt because I failed to make sure they were trained correctly?

Bah. I can’t let my worries drown me. I volunteered, and the pack needs someone to help. Maybe Stephano can help me understand everything I need to do. It was only a title to me before, but now I haven’t to understand what it means.

None of this changes the fact that we have no Ulfric. We need our time to mourn, and this next Lupanar is too soon to choose. For a month, we will mourn and wait. They say we’ll be seen as weak and others may try and take advantage of us, or attack us while we are without our king. Someone will have to step forward and challenge for the place by the July moon, though, or the pack will…

No, I won’t think about that. Someone will come forward. Someone will prove that they’re worthy of leading us and will protect us. Silver and Scott will do it if no one else will, and even though neither of them wants it, I know they wouldn’t let us be harmed.

(NOTE: There is only one sketch that accompanies this entry. Nicolas is carrying Alyssa in his arms. Both of their expressions are exuberant and happy, but they’re walking away from the viewer of the picture, down a path leading to the sunset.)

Thu, 02 Jun 2005 16:53:40 GMT

I’m back home now. I couldn’t write anything for the last two weeks because my journal got left at home in the hiding place I keep it. I guess I could have asked Grace to get it for me, but I like having that secret.

No one is treating me badly, but I still worry that the pack is mad at me for the mess I made of everything that’s happened. Still, it’s good to be home. I missed the mansion and I missed the pack even more desperately.

So now that I’ve not written anything for a while, do I take the time to fill in the gaps, or just go forward with where my head is at right now? I think I would have to write a novel to talk about the last two weeks. A summary is best, I guess.

My parents found me. I thought it would be better to let them believe that I had died, but I guess I was wrong. I thought it would hurt them more to know that I had been infected. They wouldn’t believe the police in Chicago that I was probably dead. They hired a private detective to find me. He must have been very expensive, because he found me no problem.

At first, when I saw them, I panicked. Everyone thought they must have hurt me, so they hid me away and lied to my parents. Things got messy, but I think they’re starting to calm down. Daddy got my cell phone number from the private detective and he called me. I know he and Mama want me to go back to Baltimore, but at least they’re not trying to force me. Daddy says he’s coming back to San Francisco for a medical conference this week. He wants to see me and spend some time with me.

I have to be very careful not to give them any details about how I got infected. They would try and do something to the pack in Chicago and I know Martin and his people wouldn’t think twice about hurting them. They must never ever know how it happened. I’ll just tell them it was an accident, but I panicked and ran away.

I could write more about things and how they’ve changed between Silver and I, or how Uriel fed from me, or how I missed Michael, or how Merideth cried on my shoulder about her father, or how Kellan and some of the others have noticed there’s something weird about me. But right now, I just want to go to the studio and paint.

(Doodles line the sides of this entry, probably showing she paused in writing here or there. There’s one little scene sketch at the top of the page showing a limo with her parents standing outside of it talking to Alyssa and Nicolas. Otherwise, there are a few recognizable faces lining the right hand side of the page: Kellan, Silver, Merideth, Grace and Keahi, and finally Michael.)

Sat, 14 May 2005 20:48:44 GMT

I am so lost and angry. I don’t know what to do.

A couple of weeks ago, I told Merideth of how I got infected, of that whole horrible night and everything afterwards. I thought my story might help her a little to deal with her own change and everything. I wasn’t really prepared for the response that I got.

She knew him. She knew the Ulfric of the pack that did this to me and killed Brandy. Merideth had been a cop in Chicago before here. She had been dating the head of RPIT. Maybe the day before or the day after, or maybe even the day of me getting infected, he asked her to marry him. He asked her to marry him and let him infect her and make her his Lupa. She ran away too then. She left Chicago and came here. But she knew him. She even had a picture of him. I had a name now.

Finally, I could do something to stop him. To stop that pack from taking any more kids like me and using them as toys and prey. I know it’s getting on towards the end of the semester at Northwestern, so they’ve probably got another couple of kids picked out as likely not being missed when the school year ends and summer comes. I knew I could go to RPIT and maybe get things in motion to stop him. But I wanted to have Nicolas’ permission first.

I never, ever thought he would deny it.

He and Alyssa have told me that I am not allowed to go to the cops with this information. They have even put a watcher on me so I’m followed if I leave the house. I’m sure if I actually tried to contact RPIT, they’d stop me.

They say it’s because the police won’t be able to handle this. No matter what the police say, Nicolas says they would never be able to stop him from taking revenge on our pack. He says it’s against pack laws for us to reveal that he’s a wolf to the police, even if he is killing people. Even if he is deceiving them and pretending to be what he’s not and using his position to hurt people like me. Nicolas says that even if the police were able to stop him, he and his pack have allies that would avenge him. That I would never be safe again.

But all I keep thinking is, what if someone had come to them six months ago with the same information? Before I was picked to be part of their entertainment. What if they could have stopped this from happening to me, but didn’t? How can I sit here and not stop it from happening to someone else? Why don’t they understand that? How can they not understand?

I couldn’t sleep last night. I feel like I’m being torn in two. I can’t defy Nicolas and Alyssa, but how can I just sit back and do NOTHING?

Thu, 12 May 2005 14:42:28 GMT

It’s been a few days since I last got to see Michael. I’m missing him. I should call him, but I don’t want to get him in trouble by asking to see him too much before he gets a chance to apologize to Nicolas. He says that he’s talked to his Nimir Ra and she’s told him how to apologize properly, but he just needs to find the right time.

I think that Alyssa likes Michael. Well, at least a little bit. I had a very weird conversation with her the other night. She came to me and she looked worried, so I got nervous right away. Not that it’s unusual for me to get nervous. I’m always nervous about everything. Anyway, she asked me how serious I was about Michael. I thought at first maybe she was going to tell me they didn’t want me to see him anymore because he’s pard and I’m pack. But that wasn’t it.

She told me to stay away from Sho. I think that was the last thing I was expecting, but it made me feel horribly guilty. I did kiss him that one time, and he did say he was going to talk to Alyssa. I didn’t know about what, but he did say he was going to. I guess he did, and it made her mad. She said that I could end up causing a huge problem with the pard because Michael and Sho might end up fighting over me. I don’t want that to happen.

I don’t understand why I’m so stupid about these things. I have someone who says he loves me and cares for me and I think I love him back, but at the same time I think about being with other people. Silver says it’s partially my wolf. That this is something that's natural for us. She likes being physical. She likes being touched. We like being touched.

But that’s all so wrong from everything I was ever taught. My parents, if they knew I was alive and where I was, would be horrified. They’d be so ashamed of everything I’ve become. Sometimes I feel guilty about that. I can hear my father’s voice lecturing me about how horrible I am. It makes me glad that they think I must be dead.

(As always, this entry is accompanied by some drawings. She's even used a little bit of colored pencil to add some detail to the sketches. Mostly for this one, it's a series of faces down the side of the entry. Alyssa, Michael, Sho, Silver, and an older man who must be her father.)

Tue, 10 May 2005 17:26:52 GMT

I ran away from Grace’s family last night.

Maybe I don’t know how to be around normal people anymore. I saw the light on and Keahi’s motorcycle in the driveway, so I thought it might be okay if I stop by. I could smell her family from the moment I walked in the door, but it seemed like they were all asleep. They let me come in and said I was welcome, but before I could even really greet either of them, Grace’s father came downstairs and was introduced to me. Moments later her sister came home from having been out, and she was introduced too. And then her mother came downstairs in a house coat and curlers and was pushing cookies into my hands telling me I needed to eat. I just panicked and left as soon as I could.

I felt so nervous around them all. It’s one thing to be out in public and surrounded by normal people. It doesn’t matter if they see me and think I’m acting strange. I’m just some stranger that they can stare at and then go on their way. They’re not actually expecting me to interact with them and be nice and be normal. I can be who I’ve become out in public and no one really cares. In Grace’s living room, though, I was so scared I was going to do something wrong and maybe scare them and cause problems with her family. They all seemed really nice and friendly, but I didn’t know what to do so I ran.

The cookies were really good, though.

There was someone else there too. I think Keahi said his name was Morocco or something like that. He’s young. Like my age maybe. Keahi told me a few days ago, he couldn’t take me as his Pomme. He said it was because of the tensions between the wolves and the vampires right now, and I know he wasn’t lying, but it still hurt to see that he’d already found someone to take the place he’d offered me. Morocco is also Indian too even though he has blue eyes. I know I shouldn’t be jealous, but I was.

It’s silly to be jealous. It was exciting to think that Keahi wanted me to help him like that, but I know other people can help him better than I can. Maybe I’m better just being once in a while help.

Uriel asked me to come over the other day too. He has made a new vampire and he asked me if I would help him feed her, since she hadn’t yet done it on her own yet. Her name is Trisha and she is even shorter than Uriel is. She’s pretty, though, and she adores him. He was very gentle and careful with her. They both bit me at the same time, but he only took a little bit. I liked it. It scared me a little that I liked it, but I did. It was a little like being drunk. Well, I think it was a little like being drunk, since I never got to experience that. Trisha left a bruise on my arm where she bit me, but I guess she’ll get better.

I talked for a long time with Uriel after that. He’s very patient with me, even though I must sound like a naïvely foolish girl sometimes. I think I would like Michael to meet him sometime.

Michael and I spend what time we can together, but he still needs to meet with Nicolas and make a formal apology. We’ve snuck off together a couple of times, but I don’t want to get in trouble anymore and I don’t want him hurt because of me. Hopefully he can see Nicolas soon and then everything will be okay. I hope.

Sun, 01 May 2005 02:26:08 GMT

It’s been over a week since I last thought to write in here. Enough’s happened to write about, but some of it was just too much to really think about.

A bit over a week ago, Nicolas and Alyssa took me out to the Lupanar. I thought we were just going to be running an errand, but we kept driving and driving until I realized where we were going. I started to panic a little because I realized they were going to be testing me. It was different than I expected. To pass the test, I had to prove that I could maintain my control under circumstances that would have before triggered a shift almost instantly. They wounded a deer and released her into the woods for me to chase down and kill. Without shifting. And it wasn’t like they left me alone, either. Both of them stayed right with me, following and trying to provoke my wolf into taking control. She almost did a couple of times, but somehow I did it. I took the deer down and didn’t shift once. We ate the heart together there in the woods. Part of me still thinks I should be freaked out at that, but another part of me realized it was the right thing to do.

That would have been enough to make that day memorable enough on its own, but as a reward for passing, Alyssa said I could go to the vampire’s banquet as Jaime’s date. Part of me felt like Cinderella, getting to dress up and pretend to be pretty while going to this fancy event. Of course, Cinderella’s ball never turned into a war zone.

The visitor gave a big show of handing out gifts to all the MALE leaders of the city. They were all girls, about my age or so. All of them were… Well, it’s hard to describe, but they were all broken. It was like they weren’t home anymore. Like whatever had made them who they were was snuffed out like a candle. When I saw them, part of me remembered how the visitor looked at me when I met him in Keahi’s office. Was he thinking of snuffing me out like that and leaving just a shell?

That caused some rumblings, but everyone remained fairly polite even if many were horrified. What really caused all hell to break loose, though, was the gift he gave to Uriel and Gabriel. They were twins and they looked like they couldn’t have been more than thirteen or fourteen. The visitor had done the same thing to them, taking whatever spark made them who they were and snuffing it until all that was left was what he wanted. If the girls my age scared me, those two children were terrifying.

I’m not really exactly sure what happened next. I know Keahi was comforting me then Jaime came to get me and take me back to the wolves table. Lee and the visitor were arguing and it was starting to get ugly. I don’t know how else to describe it, but it just felt like anger was beating down the walls of the place and going to flood the room at any moment. The fight wasn’t that long, but I couldn’t follow what was happening. I know that the visitor and Mr. Laurent both died, and Grace got hurt, but that was from that alligator person that Lee keeps around.

That night, I asked Jaime to stay with me. I really didn’t want to practice anything, I just wanted someone to be with me and keep me safe. I had kept control all day somehow, through both the test and the disastrous banquet, and I just didn’t want to sleep alone. We ended up making love anyway. I think maybe he was feeling sorry for me because I know he didn’t push me or try and make me lose control, and at the end he helped me stay and not lose myself to the wolf. It was so different from Michael. Well, what I remember of being with Michael. With Jaime, he’s patient and mostly gentle and very, very sweet. When I’m with Michael, it always feels urgent and almost dangerous. He tries so hard to be patient and gentle, but I think those things go contrary to everything he’s been through in his life.

Either way, Jaime still says I’m not ready and our lessons need to continue. I am not too upset about that. Jaime is handsome and sweet and I like spending time with him. He says he’s going to talk to me about illustrating one of his children’s books. That would be exciting if his publisher thinks my artwork is good enough.

The night before the full moon, I wanted to go talk to Deety about something, but walked in just as Merideth had arrived to talk to him. She was nervous and wanting company, I think, but we did kinda wake him up. While we were talking, I told her and Deety the story of how I got infected. I think I was trying to reassure her that things would be okay, because if it started so bad for me, it was okay now. She got very still and quiet and asked me where I had been going to school. When I told her I had been in Chicago, she got visibly upset. She knew the Ulfric of the pack that had infected me. Of the pack that had picked me to die as part of their night of fun. He was the reason she came to San Francisco. He had been her boyfriend and he wanted to infect her so she could be his Lupa. She didn’t know that he had been doing ‘parties’ for his pack like that, but she also didn’t seem surprised. Merideth gave me his name. I have his name now and she told me to talk to this lady at the RPIT and tell her. I need to talk to Nicolas first, but finally I can do something about what happened that night.

We had the full moon last weekend, and it was announced that I was a full wolf now. It’s a little scary the way they phrase it. They basically said that I am a full wolf now and I am to defend myself and I no longer have the protection of the pack the way that I did. Like I’ve been thrown to the wolves. It wasn’t so bad, though. It was much harder on our new wolves. We had five this time, and each one was obviously terrified out of their mind. Lucas seemed to hold it together the best, and Merideth did pretty good, but I think if she hadn’t had Trinity there, she would have been worse. Trinity almost ran a couple of times. Merideth and Alyssa had to hold her down. All of them came through just fine, and now they’re learning to deal with all the changes. I know they’re all scared, but I envy them a little. I was alone for almost a month and a half leading up to my change and then afterwards. If they think it’s scary learning it now, they don’t want to know what it was like learning it without anyone to explain what’s going on.

There’s so much more I want to write, especially about Michael, but I have to go now. Maybe I’ll write more later.

(As always, there are quick little sketches accompanying the entry. At the beginning is a deer leaping through some trees that are quickly sketched between two paragraphs. A little further down is a drawing of several beautiful young women all standing with the same, almost slack expression on their faces. Despite their beauty, there is an eerie, disturbing quality to that drawing. Towards the bottom, she’s drawn a quick sketch of Merideth holding Trinity. The younger of the two women looks terrified while struggling to keep herself under control. Finally, there’s a little cartoon of a leopard chasing a wolf ala Pepe Le Pew.)

Wed, 20 Apr 2005 21:28:40 GMT

The visitors to Lee’s court are still in town, and I actually got to meet a couple of them briefly. I can understand why everyone is so nervous about them, but I’m still glad I got to satisfy my curiosity at least a little bit.

First was the other night at the Kiss. I went with some of the other wolves who wanted to go out to hear the band playing. Grace was at Keahi’s table with Uriel and another man. Amazingly handsome, he was probably as pretty as Silver, but in a more masculine way. He was also amazingly charming with a very disarming smile. They introduced him as Laurent and made sure not to leave me alone with him, though he was very polite the whole time. The strange thing was that he smelled mostly human, but still felt very, very old. I don’t understand that and wasn’t there long enough to figure out any more.

One other thing that was strange about that night was the way Keahi and Uriel were acting together. They were being so cold together, nothing like the friends I know them to be. Both of them seemed to give the other the cold shoulder. Did they have some sort of fight? I hope it’s nothing that I’ve done.

Yesterday, though, I met the visitor himself. It was foolish of me, but I had some pictures I wanted to give Keahi, so I went down to his office without checking first to see if he could see me. The visitor was in the office with him and I pretty much barged right in on them. Keahi Called me over to him and made me sit with him as he finished his talk. The visitor’s name is Archidamos and I could feel his power without him even trying to make it be felt. If Laurent felt old, Archidamos felt astoundingly ancient. He was also much shorter than I thought he’d be. He’s only a couple of inches taller than me. Of course, he still felt like he was seven feet tall. While I was disappointed they wouldn’t let me talk with Laurent any longer, I was glad that Keahi didn’t leave me alone with their leader.

Michael snuck around to visit me the other night and we almost got ourselves in trouble again. I don’t know what it is about him, but even if I know we shouldn’t do the things we do, I can’t stop him. I don’t want to stop him. Luckily, Jaime has started giving me some training like an Eros would. I wasn’t sure I would find anyone, but I asked him and he agreed to it. It’s not as easy as I thought it might be. He gets me to the point where I’m starting to forget about anything but what we’re doing and then he provokes my wolf, making her angry. I nearly lost control a couple of times, so I’m beginning to wonder if I’ll ever master this.

Eitherway, the full moon is in just a few days, bringing with it my test. We’ll see then whether or not it’s worth even bothering to try and continue the lessons with Jaime.

(There are two drawings that accompany this entry. On one side of the page is a handsome, charming man who looks as if he had stepped out of some loosely related Arthurian romance novel. Opposite that on the other side of her neatly penned text is a more frightening figure, noble and intense, with the lines of an Ancient Roman bust.)

Fri, 15 Apr 2005 02:13:44 GMT

For the very first time ever I shifted on purpose. Grace and Silver wanted to go hunting and they invited me to go with them. Every other time I’ve shifted because I’ve been scared or hurt or it’s the full moon and I have to. This time, I watched both of them shift and then I stripped down too and let my wolf know she could come out. At first, I thought she wasn’t going to come out, but with some gentle urging from Silver and Grace, I changed.

Everything is still very dreamlike, but I remembered this change somewhat. The feel of the forest beneath my feet, the way the trees brushed my fur and the wind tickled my tail as I ran for just the joy of running. There’s the scent of prey and the thrill of the chase. I don’t think I was very much help in the hunt, but I remember it! They say this is a sign that I’m growing out of being a pup. I hope so. I hope I’m ready.

The full moon comes in only a week and a half, and Alyssa says I can take my test to prove my control. I still don’t know what to do about the Eros thing, though. I don’t want to bother Alyssa and she’s been so busy lately. If I want to be ready to take the trial on the full moon, I really need to talk to her soon, though. Part of me still wishes Silver would help me with this, but then I feel guilty for thinking that. He already said he didn’t want to, and I should respect that. I still get that feeling, though, when I think about him.

Last night, Uriel came to the mansion to visit me. I still want to call him Alain, but I am trying to adjust to his new name. I know that the name change was symbolic and he wanted an angel’s name, but I keep stumbling over it. I like spending time with him, though. Even when I’m nervous around him, I know he would never hurt me. Not on purpose and probably not even on accident.

I’ve finished the painting of the arrival. It’s the biggest painting I’ve ever finished (though the painting Silver asked me to will be bigger, I just have to be more discrete about working on that one). I wonder if I should give it to Lee. I did it because I needed to, but even if she doesn’t like it, I think she should see it. Even if she just looks at it to be polite, I think I want her to have it. If it’s dry tomorrow, I’ll send it with Grace or Silver, I guess.

(Shoved between the pages of the entry is a photograph of the painting sitting on an easel. Done in an almost Baroque style, it depicts a court-like scene with a few surreal oddities that are too hard to make out in such a small representation. Towards the top of the page is a picture of a wolf chasing a deer between two paragraphs. Further down is a quick sketch of Uriel with a knowing little smile on his angelicly beautiful face.)

Tue, 12 Apr 2005 20:00:46 GMT

I saw Michael on Saturday. His week long confinement was lifted and he took me out to the Kiss for dinner. Lisa and Greg played chaperone for me and we met him at the Kiss. They let us sit together by ourselves, but were close enough to remind me (and Michael too) that we weren’t alone. I guess I shouldn’t be bothered by that. After what happened, they’re not going to trust me alone for a while.

He said he loves me. I wasn’t prepared for that and I didn’t know how to react. Michael had just given me a bracelet to mark that I belong to him and I think I panicked and scared him. We had talked about this, and when I talk to him, all I want to do is be with him, but when I’m alone, I’m confused and unsure. When I stumbled through trying to tell him that, he told me he loved me and was afraid to lose me. I’ve never had anyone afraid to lose me before. I’m still scared, but I do care about him so much.

What if there is too much difference between pack and pard for this to work, no matter how confused or not I am? I came home from the date and Nicolas was in the living room. I was a little afraid to go in and talk to him, but he knew I was there and it would have made things worse to run away. I’m glad I did stay to talk to him, even if I didn’t want to at first. It was an embarrassing conversation, but he tried to reassure me that I’d have to do a lot worse than I’ve done for the pack to want to kick me out. I’m still scared of screwing up and losing everything, but I felt a little better after talking to him.

I think he’s good as Ulfric, even if sometimes he looks like he wants to pull his hair out.

We talked about how I have to get training on my control, especially during sex. Since there’s no Eros, he said we could maybe have someone in the room with me and Michael if I wanted to do it that way, but that was almost more embarrassing than thinking about asking someone in the pack to help me. I want to be with Michael again, but part of me doesn’t want to mix what I have with him with the pack and vice versa. This training is something that I’m doing with the pack, and it feels wrong to bring Michael into it, even if I want to get the training so I can be with him again like that. Of course, I don’t even know who to ask. I thought Silver would be the one, but as much as I would like that, he doesn’t need me complicating things even more for him. I guess I still need to talk to Alyssa.

I’ve got a painting in my head that won’t let go of me. I’ve been trying to work on the painting Silver wanted me to do and it is coming along, but seeing everyone at the vampire court in their regalia is just staying in my head. I have to paint it, even if I didn’t actually see it. I don’t think it’s going to let go of me until I finish it. I wonder if I should see if Lee wants it when I’m done. She’s scary as hell, but she’s always been nice to me when she’s spoken to me.

(Several drawings accompany this entry. Up towards the top is a sketch of Michael that she’s even gone so far as to color in and shade a bit with colored pencil. He wears a vaguely yearning expression on his face. Further down is a cartoonish sketch of Nicolas actually pulling out his hair. At the bottom near the last paragraph is a drawing of a man in what looks like 17th century French clothing.)

First Entry

Sun, 10 Apr 2005 20:27:34 GMT

Sometimes it’s strange living in this house. Just a year ago, a whole other pack was living and thriving here and now they’re all gone. Sometimes, when I’m by myself and the house is quiet, it’s like I can hear their echoes. I know my room belonged to someone else that I’ll never meet. A box of her stuff tucked back in the closet, probably missed when they cleaned out the room for me to use. I look at her clothes and I wonder who she was. Would she have accepted me into the pack then as the others do now?

In the bottom of the box was this journal. I thought maybe I might get to know her through that, but it was empty. Part of me wonders if maybe it’s a message from her to me, letting me know I should use it when I need it.

I haven’t kept a journal since I was thirteen, when mom found it and got angry because I said I missed drawing and I wondered if Joey Markowitz thought I was pretty. She didn’t show the journal to dad, but she did make me watch when she threw it in the fireplace. If she’d shown dad too, I probably would have been forbidden to join the swim team or the track team.

When I think of them, I feel guilty. Shouldn’t a daughter miss her parents more? The last time I saw them was Thanksgiving. I ran away before Christmas, when I thought I was infected. When I knew for sure that I was, they’d be better off thinking me dead. I’d heard dad rant about the new laws plenty, saying it wasn’t right to provide legal protection for monsters. How would they react if they knew I was a monster now?

I don’t even know that either of them would recognize me now. I dress differently, I act differently, and I’m drawing again. I think that might horrify them even more than me being a werewolf. I don’t think I could go back to not drawing, though. I love every minute of it. Everyone says that I’m talented, but they’re probably just being kind. I like doing it and that’s all that matters, right? I’ve even had a chance to try oil painting. It’s messy, but I love it. Silver asked me to do a big project for him, and I wanted to practice before I went straight into what he wants. I think I’m ready to start it now, though.

This is all, of course, depending on the pack not asking me to leave. I screwed up big time with Michael. I should have known better, but when I’m with him, I forget. I just want him to keep looking at me that way, or to keep touching me. I could have hurt him so badly, or made trouble between the pack and the pard, just because I got selfish. I nearly ruined everything. Will Alyssa and Nicolas ever trust me again?

I thought Silver was going to help me learn control like an Eros is supposed to, but he said that he can’t because of Merideth. She needs him more because she is fighting the changes. Part of me felt jealous when he told me, and I don’t know why. I know she needs more help than I do, and he belongs to Lee and kinda to Grace anyway. Part of me is afraid that since he can’t do it, they’ll let Jade do it. I don’t know why she scares me, but she does. Sometimes when she looks at me, I know what dinner must feel like. Deety says I need to talk to Alyssa, but I know she’s so busy. I don’t want to bother her with something this stupid.

On top of that, Keahi came to me last night and told me that he and Grace are thinking of asking for me to be a Pom Dee Sung for him when I'm not a pup anymore. So many questions came into my head that I couldn't get any of them out and then Alain was there and we couldn't really talk about it anymore. I know it's important, but I don't know what it means. It gave me a thrill to think he would want me to help like that, but it has to be approved by Nicolas first.

It's just all so confusing.

(Several sketches accompany the journal entry. Up at the beginning is a very stern, rigid looking couple in their mid-40’s who she has labeled ‘mom & dad’. Further down in the entry is also a drawing of Silver, naked from the chest up. Pacing amidst two later paragraphs is a leopard that looks like it’s stalking a wolf.)